I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
