That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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