Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
