I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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