also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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