Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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