yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
