I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Randomize