No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
