That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
