you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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