Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
