so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
