I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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