I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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