I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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