even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
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