Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
he just fucked me for my cheese.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
