tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
