True but thats because hes a fetus.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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