You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
did you just send me my own nude
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
