suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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