frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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