WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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