Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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