The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize