Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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