i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
