So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
