I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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