You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize