dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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