i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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