grandma shit on top of the toilet
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
there is glitter all over my balls
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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