I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Randomize
