New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
