I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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