I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
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