too bad you live with your parents still
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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