I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
