Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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