I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
