I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
