Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
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