i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize
