All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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