Apparently you make a good broom.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
