Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
