Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
