You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
