He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
