god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Drunk is a universal language darling
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