maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize