you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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