There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
