people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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