we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
