the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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